I guess I was compelled to return to this space by the event of Ninja's (turns out, not so much a ginger) 9 month birthday. 9 months!? That's the amount of time you think you will be pregnant, even though it's actually like 4 years! I can't believe my little human has been human almost as long as she was a gestating alien squid person in my belly! Just imagine...if I were a completely insane person with super healing and super fertility powers, I could have gotten pregnant the day after she was born and be sitting here blogging about my even cuter NEW baby! Who was born right on time with 3 minutes of pushing.
When I think about how abysmally slow pregnancy was, it's mind-bending to realize this little person has been existing right next to us for the same amount of time. It seems like only a matter of weeks or days since she showed up. Let me try to sum up with some good old fashioned compare and contrast*:
Pregnancy:
Month 1: Well, the fun, R/X rated part, followed by, "hahaha, I might be PREGGO! JK, I'm totally not. Oh, holy crap, I totally am!" Followed by some weird and painful symptoms, followed by a LOT of time with Mr. Googles, followed by,
Month 2: go to the doctor at some point where they make you take a pregnancy test. I guess that makes sense, but when the nurse was like, "Congrats! You ARE pregnant," I was like, *side-eye* "They sell those tests in stores, ya know." Oh, I think barfing starts in here sometime, maybe. I forget.
Month 3: Feels like mono. Or some Victorian disease where you lie about all day, fretting. Or you want to. But you suck it up and go to work and swear you are going to be all hardcore and not be a baby about this whole baby thing.
Month 4: Get fat really fast.
Month 5: Feel better for like 2 weeks. Then all your bones hurt forever.
Month 6: Fatter. Stop taking prenatal vitamins and switch to Flinstones. Barf slightly less often thanks to this discovery.
Month 7: Start a blog about how come this baby can't come RIGHT NOW? Who needs 9 months? My hips and all other parts hurt. Probably some unfortunate/hilarious body fluid anomalies around this time.
Month 8: Start "nesting." Or as my husband calls it, manic cleaning. Actually he doesn't call it that. He just goes, "Ohhhhkay, psycho," grabs a beer and hides in the room I'm not cleaning until I come for him. Then he does dishes or something to appease my motherly rage. If you are lucky, the kind of people who say "Any day now!" to random preggos will only just now start saying this to you.
Month 9: You are the fattest person of all time. Congrats.
Month 9,10-infinity???: You eat spicy things, everyone tells you to have sex to induce labor and thinks they are hilarious/original, you go on stupid long walks, eat like 45 "labor cupcakes" (blech.), stand on your head, punch people in the face when they ask "When's that baby gonna get here??"
Followed by!
A BABEH!
Month 1: Starts with a surprisingly smooth natural hospital birth. Freak out the residents by pushing the baby out on your hands and knees while naked. In like 20 minutes. They were not fast enough to catch her. Hahaha. Baby is not a ginger.
Followed by, be held prisoner in the hospital for 2 days, escape and go to your quiet little home. Feel that baby does not have enough adventure in her life, take her out on the town for margaritas.
Baby is actually quite chill, doesn't seem as hard as everyone said it would be. Get pooped at sometimes.
Month 2: Baby starts sleeping through the night (It's a MIRACLE, call the pope!). Baby hates swings, likes eating, sleeping. Favorite band: Passion Pit. Oh yeah, now is a great time to live in a tent at your job. Newborn babies love that.
Month 3: Other people besides you start to find your baby cute/notice her AWESOME personality. Baby discovers "raspberry" noise. Starts "tripod-ing," which is a thing.
Month 4: Baby starts busting through milestones. Sitting up, pulling up, cruising, quadratic equations. Decides sleeping through the night is for losers, never does it again.
Month 5: Baby officially declares herself "Team Mom." Suck it, Dad. Goes almost completely bald for some reason. People keep asking if she sleeps through the night yet. Hahahahahaha. NO.
Month 6: Baby thinks about crawling, decides it is lame. Pursues other interests. Develops fascination and undying love for any and all dogs. Meanwhile, you refuse to give up your maternity pants. Too comfortable not to wear forever.
Month 7: Eats everything. Refuses to crawl. Falls on her head a lot. Gets a tooth. Surprisingly not a biter. Poop starts smelling pretty bad. Starts to be wary of not-Mom type people.
Month 8: Level 5 Clinger. Weighs approximately as much as a panda. Must be held at all times. Gets another tooth. Can do some sign language but just signs "dog" for everything. You are functioning on world's worst sleep pattern. It's like payback from when she was an awesome newborn sleeper, but now she's more work in the daytime and everything is backwards. Not fair.
Month 9: Dog obsession reaches all time high. No longer bald. Begrudgingly starts crawling when no one has the decency to pick her up and there is no furniture to climb. Finally embraces that "rolling over" thing and makes every diaper change like an episode of "Swamp People." Baby is the alligator in that analogy but no guns are allowed.
9 month old baby actually poops on her baby toilet. You now have all the evidence you need, for life, that she is a prodigy and smarter than Stephen Hawking. Resist posting pooping photo on facebook. Blog about it and text a bunch of people the picture instead.
I don't know which set of 9 months sounds more fun to you, but I know which one I liked better. So, now we're caught up and I'll try to be a good lil' mama and tell more stories on this personal web blog.
*Based on completely unscientific and anecdotal evidence from my own memory/life
TIMEWARP!
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| Newborn ninja |
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| Current ninja |
I loved it! So glad to discover your newly revived blog. If it were a book, I couldn't put it down and am curiously awaiting the sequel. Now I know exactly what to expect, if I am ever expecting and I won't have to read that other big book. ;^> Happy 9 months to your lil' ninja! ~ Julia Stefik
ReplyDeleteYeah, forget that book! The internet is better.
ReplyDelete